Thursday, 26 February 2009

Super-Dense Royal Bank of Scotland Becomes Black Hole

Astronomers from the Royal Observatory reported this morning that the Royal Bank of Scotland has collapsed in on itself due to its own overwhelming density, forming a black hole that threatens to consume all of the world's money.

Scientists watched the star performer in the banking firmament turn into a red dwarf last year; but the sheer mass of accumulated debt finally compressed RBS into a singularity this morning, swallowing all of the profits it ever made and dragging another £24bn across its event horizon.

The unescapable pull of its gravity well is certain to suck in all of the money in this corner of the galaxy, say experts.

Science has no firm answer for what happens inside a black hole, although mathematicians have theorised that they may in fact form 'wormholes' in the fabric of space itself - suggesting the possibility of instantaneous travel from one place to another.

Now, for the first time, their claims would appear to be backed up by concrete evidence, as quantities of money are suddenly beginning to appear in the pockets of its former chief executive, Sir Fred Goodwin, at the prodigious rate of £74 per hour.

"We know that the unimaginable forces of gravity that exist within a black hole compress matter to the tiniest fraction of its former size," explained a man with thick glasses. "What seems to be happening here is that massive billions of pounds are being squeezed into a comparatively small lump known as a 'pension'. Where do the excess pounds go? Nobody knows, because neither energy nor matter can escape from a black hole - and, as you would expect, the phenomenally dense Royal Bank of Scotland is certainly not shedding any light on this matter."

However, a researcher who saw an old Disney film thinks that a satanic red robot called Maximilian may actually live inside the black hole, cruelly shredding cash with his hellishly-sharp magimix-style hands for all eternity.

No comments: