Most of the population of the UK is fully expecting bloody civil war to break out across the recession-ravaged nation this summer - probably on a Tuesday, late in the morning or possibly just after lunch - according to a YouGov poll.
"They'll probably have to send in the RAF to shove bloody great fuel/air bombs out of the back of a Hercules onto every inner-city slum in Britain, I'd imagine," said one respondent who should have been busy writing a feasibility study for his boss. " I saw that on Virgin One at four in the morning when I got home pissed last Saturday. Fucking amazing! And there'll definitely be battalions of paras dropping out of helicopters and vaporising chavs with anti-tank missiles. Oh, please God, let it happen."
Another online voter posted a note saying: "If the BEST ARMY IN THE WORLD is called out to SHOOT all them JOB GRABING, COUNSEL HOUSE THEAVING, BENEFIT-WASTING FORINGERS on sight, then im voluntearing my services FREE as an imigrant spoter!!!" 4 of his friends commented that they liked this.
However, the Metropolitan Police painted a very different picture today, as Gauleiterintendant David Hartbeat of the force's New Public Order Branch explained how, even as he spoke, the rogue states of North Korea and Iran were secretly supplying huge quantities of arms, intelligence and funding to a murderous hardcore legion of Socialist Worker shock-troops and death-or-glory anarchists, who were likely to mount a devastating scorched-earth blitzkrieg on your front door next Friday.
"Look at the mass protests on the streets that are devastating Europe's cities right now," he warned. "Already, in our glorious nation of innocent dances round the maypole and the tranquil knock of leather against willow on the village green, the mass-murdering demagogues of the Transport and Salaried Staffs' Association are mustering their doctrine-addled cadres for a pre-emptive rail strike - and that's just the first clarion call to arms for the dreaded troublemaker rebellion."
"I say this to those head-in-the-sand types who say 'it couldn't happen here'," he went on, his voice rising in pitch and volume. "We know where you Guardian-reading intellectuals live and we will not hesitate to stop you from spreading your vile message of reasonable behaviour. We're armed to the teeth with tasers, Heckler & Koch assault rifles, American-style nightsticks and all kinds of noxious sprays to make you puke your organs out - and we're just itching to using them. So you lefty liberal bastards better shut the fuck up, stay indoors with your collection of hand-knitted Andean tank-tops and let the wave of anarchy break itself on Britain's thick blue line! We happy few! We band of brothers!"
"Mind how you go now, sir, " he added.