Sir Fred Hugewin, the ex-chief of the Royal Black Hole of Scotland, has told the government to go piss up a rope if it thinks he is going to hand over a single penny of his £693,000-a-year pension, saying the arrangement was all set out in his contract and, with so many lawyers on the government benches, they bloody well ought to have checked the small print before signing it.
He set out his views in a letter to Alastair Darling, in which he told the Chancellor of the Exchequer: "Fuck off, you caterpillar-faced grey freak. And tell Lord Mynah-Bird, or whatever the fuck his stupid name is, he can fuck off too. And as for Gordon Brown - the miserable, whey-faced fucker can fuck off, run the fuck back and fuck right off again, and he can fucking keep going until he falls off the edge of the fucking world. Speaking of which, I'm fucking off to Hawaii with my fucking surfboard, where I shall be snorting prime Colombian fucking cocaine off the breasts of the finest fucking whores that money can fucking buy. If you need to reach me, the direct number to the Presidential Suite at the Hilton is 1-800-FUCK-OFF. Got that? Good."
On hearing Sir Fred's robust reply, a furious Prime Minister is reported to have hit the hapless Chancellor repeatedly with a rolled-up newspaper, until the Law Lords brought the good news that, since he cannot persuade the failed banker to hand over his $16m pension fund, he is now allowed to simply wrench money from the desperately poor by ruthlessly dragging innocent, struggling benefit recipients through the courts in a mean-spirited effort to claw back any bungled overpayments - no matter how insignificant - made in error by the chaotically inept Department for Work and Pensions.