Not only are you going to die, warned experts today, but you are in fact almost certainly dead already, thanks to your morbidly suicidal lifestyle.
"Being overweight - by which we mean that your weight divided by the square of your height is greater than 1 if you are male, or 0.8 if you are female, unless there's an R in the month, as calculated by those infallible medical geniuses, the Victorians - is as bad for you as smoking up to ten fags a day," warned the British Medical Journal. "And any idiot who puffs away at that sort of deathwish speed will have no lungs left by the age of 23. Fact."
Smug lettuce-munching beanpoles who think they are safe may have to think again, however, as Cancer Research UK warns that a single glass of wine, half-pint of home-brew or sip of Night Nurse will definitely reduce you to a hideous malignant tumour on legs by Christmas.
The latest health advice follows other dire pronouncements on your failing health. The American Journal of Epidemiology, for example, recently confirmed that working just one hour's overtime will send you senile or just downright mad as a box of frogs before you get home tonight, while researchers from Pittsburgh University found that listening to explicit song lyrics is a leading cause of fatal cock rot in the under-12s.
"Basically, you're all dead," confirmed a typically sanctimonious doctor on £135,000 a year. "And it serves you right, you disgusting prole. Now get the fuck out of my surgery, I've got an urgent appointment at the golf course."
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