Students graduating from university this year are to be strong-armed into working for huge corporate money-hoovers - including Microsoft and Barclays - for next to nothing, under radical new government plans to fiddle the summer unemployment figures.
The scheme - to be formally announced when Parliament returns from sunning itself in warmer climes next week - will see the enormously wealthy companies providing three-month 'internships' for students, who will in turn receive a few pennies more than the pittance they are expected to live on now.
"Shoving every chav who could write their name with a crayon through the doors of the nearest university was a brilliant scam to rig the dole figures, while it lasted," explained Universities Secretary John Denham. "Inevitably, though, this summer will see 300,000 semi-literate noddies unceremoniously crapped out of the course-factories, optimistically clutching degrees in a range of non-subjects such as History of Sport, Art & Artonics, Creative Surfing and Retail Therapy, which employers just laugh at."
Ministers have so far declined to say how much of your taxes will be thrown into the grasping clutches of the multinationals in return for their generous agreement to position an 'intern' at each end of every photocopier.
"I'm already running up a massive debt because the student loan isn't enough to live on," said a typical student. "With my predicted 2:2 in Applied Technics, I was kind of expecting to waltz into a well-paid professional position and be welcomed with open arms by a grateful board of directors. Now the government is telling me to live on air for another three months while I skivvy for that bastard Gates. Sod that. There's only one thing for it - I'm going to have to get myself voted onto the Students' Union exec for a couple of years, and hope the recession sorts itself out."
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