‘Death To My Enemies,’ Urges Palin In The Nicest Possible Way

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America’s next idiot president, Sarah Palin, has reacted angrily to suggestions that publishing a graphic of congresswoman Gabrielle Giffords with cross-hairs superimposed on it might in some way have given ranty loner gunman Jared Looner the idea to shoot her.

“Anti-American gay commies are making unresponsible statements about mah rilly responsible publicity campaign,” screeched Ms Palin. “Well, since when did anyone ever take anything ah say seriously? Ha! Got ya there, ya pinko scumbags!”

“Ah urge all mah supporters to grab their weapons, go out and shoot me a lefty liberal before sundown,” she screamed in a video statement aired across the United States. “Of course, ah mean this solely in the context of political rhetoric, and it should in no way be taken as a call to pump every last filthy Democrat fulla lead.”

“Let me make this crystal clear,” she added vehemently, as images of every Democratic politician flashed across the nation’s screens, marked with 50 points on the chest and 100 for a headshot. “The last idea ah want to put in mah supporters’ redneck heads is a massive armed uprising against the Democrats, who undoubtedly deserve to go down in a hail of bullets, and anybody who says otherwise must be put up against a hypothetical wall and metaphorically shot.”

‘Obama Will Kill And Eat Your Children’ Says Republican Candidate

The gloves came off in the US Presidential contest this weekend, with Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Impalin accusing Barack Obama of harbouring an insane desire to kill and eat the nation’s children.

“Let’s draw a line under this economy mumbo-jumbo, y’all,” she drawled. “We all know that Obama varmint loves terrorists, craps on Ol’ Glory every morning, worships heathen gods and wants to enslave all decent godfearin’ white folks. That’s part and parcel of bein’ a Democrat. But shoot - if he don’ wanna blow yore dear kids to kingdom come with a Uzi, rip out their little hearts an’ swaller ‘em down, then mah name’s not Vlad the Alaskan! An‘ that‘s God‘s own truth, ah swear, so help me if it ain‘t.”

Meanwhile, Barack Obama is due to go head-to-head in a second televised debate with Republican presidential nominee John McCain on Tuesday, in which commentators expect Senator Obama to focus on healthcare, tax credits and the economy and Senator McCain to link him with Malcolm X, Idi Amin and Osama Bin Laden.

Palin Rejects Accusations of Inexperience, Calls For Massive Global War

US Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah the Impalin has rejected claims that she lacks experience, in her first TV interview since being selected as John McCain’s running mate.

“Ah may not know jack ‘bout nuthin’,” she breezed. “But ah kin yell ‘America!!!’ real loud and punch tha air till tha cows come home, and that’s what this nation’s cryin’ out fer. Hey, ah’ve had me one doozy of a idea – let’s go ta war with tha Russkies!! Woo-hoo!!! Way ta go!!!”

Half of America responded by throwing their beer cans in the air and shouting, “Hell, yeah!”, while the other half covered their eyes with a hand and turned away from their TV screens in embarrassment.