Sunday, 14 September 2008

The Unsinkable Gordon Brown

Dozens of rats have called for a leadership contest to replace the captain of the Labour Party, which is continuing to settle alarmingly at the head after colliding at full speed with a huge floating recession.

Passengers first became aware of the disaster when an almighty grinding crunch reverberated throughout the vessel, but were personally reassured that everything was all right by Captain Brown. However, things quickly began to run downhill and soon there was pandemonium on deck, with officers running round trying desperately to restore order.

Finally, First Officer Darling blurted out the extent of the catastrophe. In the ensuing panic, Captain Brown’s calls for calm went unheeded as first- and second-class passengers began clambering into lifeboats and abandoning the ship. Those in steerage, meanwhile, are reported to have been left to fend for themselves in the ice-cold, rising waters.

The Labour Party is currently awash, with waves breaking over the fo’c’sle as it begins its inevitable descent into the murky depths. The ship’s rats are now on deck, demanding nomination papers to choose a new captain.

“Everything will be all right if we just get rid of the useless twerp on the bridge,” said Fiona Mactaggrat, who claimed that she had received numerous squeaks of support from other rats. “Look at all those poor people in the water - soon they’ll be freezing to death. The captain could have thrown them a lifeline - but instead he just said they’d have to freeze for seven consecutive days, and wandered off to check the boilers.”

Other rats - including Joan Ryat, Barry Gardinrat and Siobhan McDonrat - have already cast doubt on Captain Brown’s leadership. Meanwhile, none of the doomed party’s officers appeared willing to challenge the captain’s authority.

“I firmly believe that Captain Brown is fully capable of leading this party safely into harbour at the next election,” said Fourth Officer Miliband loyally, as he broke open the gun locker and seized a heavy revolver. “If, however, Captain Brown goes down with the ship – as any good captain would – then of course I will do my best to restore order.”

Meanwhile, Captain Cameron of the SS Conservative maintained a comfortable distance from the unfolding tragedy and said he was enjoying the firework display - while Lieutenant Clegg of the Liberal was reported to be racing to the scene as quickly as possible to pick up any surviving votes.

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