Middle England’s favourite troll, Andrew Lloyd Webber, is to write the UK’s entry for the 2009 Eurovision Song Contest, in a futile attempt to reverse the current trend of eastern European countries with a combined population of 30 voting for each other and Russia.
“Eurovision has been dominated by derivative, wailing dirges for years now,” said the misshapen composer, as he took delivery of another truckload of BBC licence-payers’ money, “And that’s my home territory. I’ll just sample some Pink Floyd, Puccini and Mozart into the computer, splice it all together with Ableton and hey presto - douze points all round for dear old Blighty.”
Mr Lloyd Webber added that he would also be involved in choosing which talentless howler will have the dubious honour of belting out his opus, and expressed the hope that once again the BBC would divert another massive chunk of the licence fee into doing his auditions for him.
A spokesman for the BBC told the Nev Filter: “What this country really needs right now is a boost, like winning the Eurovision Song Contest and forking out several hundred million to host the next one.”
Meanwhile, ‘Sir’ Terry Wogan expressed the hope that next year would finally see an end to dirty foreigners sneakily voting for their neighbours - a low, underhand tactic that Britain and Ireland would never stoop to.