A day of national mourning has been declared, after the Daily Express revealed the shocking news that the Queen may have had up to £37m wiped off the value of her shares portfolio as a result of the credit crunch.
Her Majesty later appeared on the nation’s screens in an emotional appeal for funds, saying that she was afraid that the bailiffs would soon be coming to evict her, her senile dotard husband, her four wastrel children and their spoilt brats, and several cousins, including the one who looks like King George V and his pushy Nazi-spawned wife.
“One’s shares are worth jack,” sobbed the elderly monarch. “And one dreads to think how much one had tied up in Icelandic banks. Please spare what you can to prop up the monarchy in its hour of need. Remember what my family has done for all of you. When Hitler was poised to invade Britain in the dark days of 1940, one bravely posed for the nation’s press in a bloody itchy set of army overalls, waving an oily spanner at the innards of a Morris Ten. And every single tourist who has ever come to Britain came because of us, you know.”
In a startling break from tradition, the Queen ended her unprecedented broadcast with a stinging attack on Prime Minister Gordon Brown.
“It’s all the fault of that ugly Jock bastard,” she hissed, “He caused it all and he’s got the gall to strut around everywhere, grinning like a wanking chimp. When he saunters round to the Palace for tea and biscuits later, I’ll wipe that smile off his face. He’ll be leaving with a corgi hanging off each testicle, or my name’s not Elizabeth Alexandra Mary Windsor, by the Grace of God, Head of the Commonwealth, Supreme Governor of the Church of England, Duke of Lancaster, Lord of Mann, Duke of Normandy and Paramount Chief of Fiji.”