Saturday, 25 October 2008

Immigration Minister ‘Enjoyed Decent, Civilised, White Custard Pie’, Say Spin Doctors

Immigration Minister Phil Woolas has thanked pro-migration group No Borders for their kind gift of a custard pie, which was delivered to him during a debate at the University of Manchester yesterday, according to a Home Office spokesman.

“Unfortunately the young lady chosen to present the pie tripped on her way to the stage, and accidentally lost her grip on the plate,” explained the spokesman, who appeared to be sweating uncomfortably. “Thinking quickly, Mr Woolas prevented a messy spillage by placing himself across the pie’s trajectory, and skilfully caught it with his face.”

“The minister then retired backstage to have his gag removed, so he could lick the remains of the pie off his face with his twelve-inch tongue,” added the blushing spin doctor. “He says it was delicious, and he enjoyed its decent, civilised whiteness very much.”

Mr Woolas’ office has also issued a clarification of his earlier statement that the government would not allow the UK population to rise to 70 million, which many have interpreted as meaning a numerical cap on immigrants, and which led to the gag being tied to his head by the Home Secretary last Thursday.

“The Immigration Minister has no plans to place caps on immigrants,” said his Parliamentary Private Secretary. “He favours some kind of tattoo, which would be more difficult to remove.”

Mr Woolas then staggered into the briefing with a chair tied to his back, and yelled that the racial purity of the population could be maintained by the simple expedient of expelling one non-white Briton for every immigrant entering the UK.

He was swiftly wrestled to the ground by pursuing PR consultants and carried off.

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