French-Colombian politician Ingrid Betancourt and 14 other hostages are today celebrating their freedom after their rebel captors were duped into putting them aboard an army helicopter.
Soldiers pretending to be from a private waste management company strolled into the FARC rebels’ jungle hideout and said they had come for the rubbish, swiftly winning the confidence of the hardened terrorists by casually making mildly-disparaging remarks about President Alvaro Uribe. When the local rebel commander - known as Cesar - mentioned that his heroic freedom fighters had been saddled with a bunch of old hostages years ago, the infiltrators said they’d be happy to take them off their hands.
The soldiers explained that their helicopter was in fact a new type of bin lorry with a very efficient extractor fan on top, for dispersing the awful stench of rubbish. After loading the hostages into the back of the helicopter, they asked Cesar if he would like to come with them to a flash-mob event they’d heard about on Facebook. He was promptly overpowered, and spent the flight to Bogota being ridiculed by his former captives.
“FARC? More like farce,” laughed Ms Betancourt, wiping away tears of mirth. “Cesar must be the thickest terrorist in the world. Compared to him, the guy who blew his own face off with a firework in a restaurant toilet looks like a criminal mastermind. But what can you expect from a man whose chosen nom de guerre is a brand of dog food?”
Three contract workers for the US Defense Department who were among the hostages were swiftly flown to San Antonio, Texas, where it is expected that they will be extensively debriefed by Pentagon officials keen to learn how the new Colombian military tactic of ‘being clever’ works.
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