Friday 4 July 2008

Coulthard: 'I'm Retiring From F1, Which I'm Still In'

The world of motor racing was shocked yesterday to hear David Coulthard announce that he will be retiring from Formula One at the end of the season.

“Is he still in it?” said the current focus of British hopes, Lewis Hamilton. “Really? I thought he left years ago.”

Coulthard - at 93, the oldest driver in Formula One - began racing with E.R.A. in the days when cars had an engine at the front and were painted British Racing Green, apart from the ones that weren’t British.

“But they all had the engine at the front, you know,” pointed out the doddering, square-headed Scot. “I tell you, you had to watch those banked curves – if you weren’t careful, you’d go flying into the air at 150mph, and end up with the steering wheel sticking out of your lung. Can I have a cup of Horlicks now? I’m very tired.”

Although his trademark technique of tiptoeing cautiously around the track occasionally paid unexpected dividends, Coulthard’s career was generally blighted by other drivers managing not to drive into the scenery, collide with each other, run out of fuel or forget there was a race on that weekend.

“I’ve been very happy with whatever third-rate bunch of losers it is I’m driving for this season,” said Coulthard, “And I’ll be continuing my involvement as a consultant, giving them the benefit of my years of experience.”

“We are very grateful to David for whatever it is he does for us,” said Red Bull team boss Christian Horner. “Obviously we would have preferred a driver who didn’t just trundle along like he was out for a Sunday drive, but he was all we could afford after most of the budget went on paint for the cars. He will be welcome in our pit area for years to come - so we can point him out to a new generation of younger drivers and say, ‘Pull your socks up, lad - you don’t want to end up like that, do you?’”

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