Free Willsy

Prince William today began a leisurely two-month jolly with the Royal Navy.

As part of his training as the future head of Britain’s armed forces, Wills will first learn navigation and boat-handling – which, as a member of the Royal family, he will have had no experience of whatsoever. Once the prince has mastered the tricky manoeuvre of offering the totty a chance to sunbathe au naturel on his yacht, he will continue his arduous assignment with a Caribbean jaunt aboard the frigate HMS 4-Iron Duke – named after Britain’s tireless trade ambassador, his uncle Andy.

The Navy was keen to point out that the prince will be known as Sub-Lieutenant Wales to the rating who presses his trousers and brings him his breakfast, and will no doubt personally arrest millions of drug-smugglers and divert hurricanes away from populated islands in between intense bouts of sunbathing.

Rumours that William will acquire further first-hand experience of his future subjects’ lives by spending six months living hand-to-mouth on JSA in an inner-city bedsit next to a couple of psychos with distinctly cavalier attitudes to self-medication were swiftly dismissed by royal officials.

“Prince William is gaining valuable experience of the armed forces by treating them as one long adventure holiday,” expained a Palace spokesman. “But it would be sheer folly to put his life at risk by placing him in harm’s way on the front line of social inequality.”

However, some environmental organisations say they are worried that the prince’s voyage will tempt Japanese vessels to begin a deadly hunt for the elusive Wales.