Thursday 1 May 2008

Rout and About With Gordon

Ex-Prime Minister Gordon Brown was reported to be in hiding today, as it emerged that the Labour Party had lost every single seat it held in councils across England and Wales.

A baying mob of defeated councillors stormed the gates of Downing Street, armed with torches, assault rifles and carving knives. As the enraged crowd smashed down the door of number 11, the hapless Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair Darling tried to escape by climbing across the rooftops, but was brought down by a well-aimed stone and torn to pieces as he begged for mercy. The angry hordes then set fire to Number Ten after discovering that Gordon Brown had fled the capital before the final election results were announced.

Ports, harbours and private airfields were on a maximum security alert for the fugitive PM, while members of the public were warned to run and call the police if approached by a desperate, haggard Scotsman demanding money. The authorities have just released an e-fit picture of Mr Brown, showing the twisted, grimacing face of a reckless desperado.

Elsewhere, the Conservatives, the Liberal Democrats, UKIP, Plaid Cymru, the English National Opera, Shining Path, the State Law and Order Reform Committee, the Peronists and the Chuckle Brothers were all celebrating their landslide victories in town halls up and down the land.

Meanwhile, in London, mayoral candidates Ken Livingstone, Boris Johnson and the other one – you know, whatsisname - were left bemused and pondering a turnout of zero, with Londoners reported to be catatonically bored by the blanket coverage of the city’s election race.

As the leaderless nation faced an unprecedented constitutional crisis, Tony Blair was said to be ready to offer his services in his country’s hour of need. The Queen’s response has not yet been released, and – according to Palace officials - nor is it likely to be.

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