Line Up, Sell Out

The final line-up for this summer’s Glastonbury Festival was officially announced yesterday, after being leaked on an internet forum.

Festival organisers have already been criticised for featuring hip-hop artist Jay-Z as a headline act, in an attempt to broaden the appeal of the festival. Critics say this has disappointed traditional festival fans and led to poor ticket sales.

Organiser Emily Eavis, however, was upbeat: “We are pleased to announce an even more diverse range of talent to appeal to all ages and tastes,” she said, “Particularly older people, who we hear have more disposable income, and cloth ears. So I’m pleased to say that we will be showcasing sets from Jean Michel Jarre, Hall & Oates, The Bay City Rollers, the Crazy Frog, a freshly-neutered Aled Jones, Richard Clayderman, Tommy Steele, Dame Vera Lynn, Glenn Miller – who has come out of hiding after 64 years to appear on the Pyramid Stage – and the ghost of Marie Lloyd, who will be singing a medley of music-hall favourites. If this doesn’t confirm Glastonbury 2008 as the biggest sell-out of all time, I don’t know what will.”

“Oh, and we’ve got Mud,” she added. “They’ll be singing their famous hit, ‘Trench Feet’.”