Wednesday 30 April 2008

Fuel Me Once, Shame On You

Oil companies Shell and BP sparked consumer outrage yesterday, as they announced massive rises in first-quarter profits at a time when pump prices were at an all-time high.

Royal Dutch Shell’s profits rose by 12% to a record $7.8bn, while those of rival BP rose by 48%, to $6.6bn. Together, the firms beat analysts’ predictions by over $1bn.

As oil prices rose to almost $120 a barrel, and with Britain suffering price hikes and fuel shortages as a result of the Grangemouth refinery strike, hard-hit consumers were quick to criticise the oil giants.

However, the companies were at pains to point out that they were making little or no profit from forecourt sales.

“We have made most of this money from our exploration subsidiaries,” said a spokesman. “And it’s very handy that they are subsidiaries, because that way we are conveniently barred under competition law from using those profits to subsidise our retail operations. You should also remember that there are many other factors which, regrettably, prevent us from selling petrol and diesel at a reasonable price. You should also take into account the disputed poll result in Zimbabwe, the end of the Japanese whaling season, the forthcoming Olympics, Alistair Darling’s unnatural eyebrows, solar wind activity and Ronaldo’s transvestite prostitution shame.”

The chairmen of the two companies then closed the press conference with high fives before retiring for lunch at the exclusive 68 Royal Hospital Road restaurant, where they used owner Gordon Ramsay as a footrest.

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