Doctor, Doctor, Can I Have a Little Wine?

The Royal College of Physicians has attacked pubs for selling wine in large glasses, saying that 175ml and 250ml measures are now commonplace.

“Let’s not mince words,” said RCP spokesman Dr Kiljoy. “These larger measures are directly responsible for most, if not all, alcohol-crazed assaults on medical staff in our booze-sodden Accident & Emergency units, and people all over the country are dropping stone dead in the streets from drinking too much wine.”

“As doctors, we are godlike geniuses and all other human beings are pathetic cretins who are simply too stupid to realise that a large glass contains more wine than a small one,” he continued. “As a result, these middle-aged, middle-class dummies knock back the equivalent of two measures instead of one, and the next thing you know they’re spoiling for a rumble with the coppers.”

In a token effort at balanced reporting, we asked a barman for his opinion. “Are you going to order or stand there all day gassing, mate?” he said. “There’s other people besides you waiting to be served.”