Warnings About Overexercise And Lack Of Eating Still Strangely Absent From Post-Christmas Headlines

Nothing to worry about

Research not carried out by Oxford University, the British Heart Foundation and the BMA and not published today - or any other day - warns the public of serious health risks posed by too much exercise and not eating enough.

“Exercising too much is the direct cause of a wide range of health issues, ranging from muscle strain and torn ligaments right up to long-term damage to the joints and fatal heart attacks,” said nobody from the Department of Health.

“Not eating enough can lead to a range of debilitating conditions caused by nutritional deficiencies,” added no one, “And it can also lead to potentially deadly mental health problems like anorexia and bulimia.”

Meanwhile, there are no calls from the medical community for a hard-hitting government campaign against rank idiocy, which is one of the biggest problems facing Britain’s increasingly hard-pressed Accident & Emergency units.

“Complete and utter fucktards are not just a major drain on the NHS,” warned nobody. “Sheer crass stupidity is damaging the entire economy. In 1986 only 7% of the British population had shit for brains, but by 2008 that figure had rocketed to 25% - and this winter suggests that the rise is exponential. Whether they’re wrapping their cars round lamp-posts on icy roads or managing Heathrow Airport, it seems this is truly The Age Of The Absolute Fuckwit.”

“If the running of the country wasn’t in the hands of a guffawing troupe of hooray henries, perhaps the government could run a never-ending catalogue of patronising campaigns aimed at making mulish thickery socially unacceptable,” opined one harassed gutbucket. “I, for one, am longing for the day when some witless yahoo feels a pressing need to lean out of a car window and hurl childish abuse at himself.”