Honour The Greatest Poet

The latest creation by the best author in history has been sold at a charity auction at Waterstones in Piccadilly, with fans of the greatest literary creation in the history of civilisation raising the final price of the undisputed pinnacle of 21st-century fiction to £25,000.

St JK Rowling wrote the 800-word prequel to her life-changing Harry Potter oeuvre on the back of a sheet of A5-sized card - making a refreshing change from her last two brick-sized masterpieces - and tackled criticism that her works were facile trash pandering to a public too thick or lazy to read a proper book.

“I bleed words, I really do,” she claimed, recounting yet again the tale of how utter penury had forced to write her first Harry Potter novel on used toilet paper with a sharp stick whilst shivering outside a café, for the benefit of anyone recovering from a coma. “I am worth every penny of the £560m I have earned through the sheer psychological torment of putting one word after another, over and over again until elevenses. And I thought it was time for me to let some sub-literate mug donate a few grand to charity, out of gratitude to me for all my years of struggling as a single mum on state benefits blah blah blah – you can fill in the rest.”

Several words were reported to be ecstatic at their new-found value. “I’ve always been treated as worthless and commonplace,” said And, “My agent fought a long battle to persuade St JK to include me in her output - but it was worth it. I’m now worth £31.25 per appearance - and that’ll be £156.25, please. Plus another £31.25 if you’re writing out the amount in full on a cheque.”

Other words, however, expressed their disappointment at being passed over by the towering genius of letters. “We’re all very disappointed,” said Derivative, flanked by Hyped, Overrated, Pandering, Simplistic, Opportunist and Egotistical. “There seems to be no place at all for us in JK Rowling’s lexicon.”

“That’s another £31.25,” added And. “Hang on - £62.50. You’re a glutton for punishment, aren’t you?”

Rowling In It

Author JK Rowling has been in court in New York, claiming that an attempt to publish an unauthorised Harry Potter encyclopedia has “decimated” her creativity and left her unable to work on her next book.

“I’m trying not to cry,” said the multi-millionaire, dabbing her eyes with a pepper-laden handkerchief and wearing a fetching string of onions around her neck. “This book constitutes wholesale theft of 17 years of my hard work.”

Rowling argues that Steve Vander Ark’s proposed reference guide - The Harry Potter Lexicon - would violate her copyright.

“Due to extensive prior use, I have the sole and exclusive world rights to the words ‘and the’,” said the writer, “And the title of this hell-spawned rip-off contains the word ‘the’. I’m sure that if you dare to open its blood-soaked pages, it won’t be long before you see an ‘and’ as well. What clearer proof could there be? I demand the death penalty. And don’t you dare say, ‘And the verdict of this court is…’ later, or I’ll see you reduced to crawling in the gutter, you evil, scheming villain, your honour.”

The case continues, despite rumours of the impending death of one of the major players.