PM Tells National Trust Not To Worry, His Planning Reforms Will Only Disfigure Labour Strongholds

Responding to fears expressed by the National Trust about the effect his drastic axing of planning laws may have on Britain’s verdant countryside, prime minister David Cameron was quick to explain that only urban areas full of Labour voters would have hideous monstrosities built right outside their windows.

Build what you like, but just on the red bits

“Both as prime minister, as a rural constituency MP and as an individual with a particularly magnificent view of Oxfordshire from the master bedroom, I have always believed that our beautiful British landscape is a national treasure,” insisted Mr Cameron. “Our socialist-run cities, on the other hand, are ghastly shitholes which couldn’t possibly look any worse than they do already. I’d have thought that the average urban sink-dweller would fall on his knees to thank the council planners for allowing a new glue factory to obscure the godawful sight of gangs setting fire to the local takeaway every evening.”

Mr Cameron reiterated the madness of expecting his friends in the construction industry to wade through more than 1,000 pages of bureaucratic pettifoggery, promising to replace Britain’s bloated planning guidelines with just five words: “Is it a Labour constituency?”