‘Go Back To Your Constituencies And Prepare To Be Out Of The Government’

The Liberal Democrats’ president, Tim Fallout, today rallied his party’s surviving MPs with the resounding promise that its widely-hated alliance with the Conservatives would cease at the next election, mainly because they would all be losing their deposits.

The LibDems are great survivors

“We are like cockroaches after a nuclear war,” he told stony-faced delegates at the party’s Birmingham conference. “And to be cockroaches after a nuclear war, obviously the most important thing is to be cockroaches in the first place – vile, scuttling pests which are hated by everyone and deserve to be stamped on. And I think we ought to congratulate ourselves on how quickly we’ve achieved this, in the light of our near-total extermination in May’s local elections. So hey, all we need now is nuclear war!”

Elsewhere at the conference, deputy prime minister Nick Clegg swiftly quashed rumours that he would be standing down as leader of the Lib Dems after just one term in order to take up an appointment as a European Commissioner.

“European Commissioner, my arse,” he sobbed into his espresso macchiato. “By then I’ll be bloody lucky if I get a job as a commissionaire at one of the casinos back home in Monaco.”