Medical Profession Strangely Reluctant To Demand Immediate Ban On Cars

Lug this little lot onto a bus full of peasants? Not bloody likely

There have been no calls from the usual medically-qualified killjoys for the government to outlaw cars, following the publication in the British Medical Journal of yet more irrefutable proof that the poisons belched out by their hideously inefficient internal combustion engines are going to kill you.

“This large-scale study shows conclusively that your risk of having a heart attack goes up temporarily, for around six hours, after breathing in higher levels of vehicle exhaust,” warned Prof Malcolm Strangelove of the British Heart Attack Foundation. “We know that vehicle exhaust fumes can have a major effect on your heart health, possibly because it can 'thicken' the blood to make it more likely to clot, putting you at higher risk of a heart attack.”

“On the other hand, old boy, I think you’ll find a Porsche Cayenne is absolutely essential when it comes to flinging a caddy full of golf clubs in the back and tearing off to the links for an agreeable afternoon with my colleagues,” he explained.

"According to my spreadsheet, being exposed to a spell of medium-level rather than low-level pollution would raise heart attack risk by 5%. It looks like it brings heart attack forward by a few hours. These are cardiac events that probably would have happened anyway," co-author Dr Markus Fremdliebe added, leaning on his slightly muddy BMW X5 after a heroic effort to improve his handicap. “Let’s face it, anyone who lives right next to a busy road is probably just some waddling 40-a-day council-estate gutbucket who richly deserves all that’s coming to them.”