Lib Dems Desperate To Book Russell Howard Or Tim Vine For Next Conference

Although hopes remain high that Nick Clegg’s closing promises will have delegates falling off their seats with mirth, this year there have been few belly laughs at what is traditionally the most hilarious gig of the party conference season.

After children’s minister Sarah Teeth failed dismally to crack so much as a smile with her ill-advised effort at stand-up comedy at the Liberal Democrats’ sombre conference in Birmingham today, party officials assured hatchet-faced delegates that they would take whatever steps were necessary to guarantee a fun-packed roster of jocular ministers for next year’s headline event.

“Ideally we’d kick one of our time-expired westcountry MPs upstairs and parachute Eddie Izzard into a safe Cornish seat,” said a red-faced conference booking agent. “But he defected to New Labour in disgust years ago and anyway, we lost half our safe Cornish seats at the last election. I think we’re just going to have to take a leaf out of David Cameron’s book by elevating people we like to the House of Lords, then giving them ministerial portfolios.”

It's like Mr Potato Head reproduced, only not as funny

“George Osborne line dancing… hell’s teeth,” he sobbed as he shuffled away.

Comedians with any sort of interest in politics have been remarkably swift to claim an extraordinary number of international tours which happen to coincide with next year’s conference dates, however.

Already the field of potential LibDem lords has narrowed to a mere handful of apolitical comics, led by veteran pun factory Tim Vine, whose public profile could do with a boost, or possibly chirpy little Bristolian optimist Russell Howard, 12, as long as party whips can convince his mummy he will be safely tucked up in bed by nine every night.

“God help us, the way Britain’s stand-ups are all desperately claiming Las Vegas bookings on the same weekend next September, we could end up with the doomsday scenario of Michael McIntyre,” wept one loyal grass-roots activist. “Please, shoot me now.”