Naked Intruder Relives Nightmare Of Finding Nicolas Cage In His House

Eek!

A naked man has told reporters of the shock and revulsion he once experienced when, to his horror, he suddenly discovered a lurking Nicolas Cage in the house he had broken into.

“I was tiptoeing around this house in Orange County, wondering who on earth would fill a freezer with Fudgesicles,” said the naked man. “I opened a door and saw a bed with what appeared, in the dim light, to be a gigantic spoon tucked up in its folds, apparently reflecting an amusingly distorted image of my own genitals.”

“But as I stepped forward for a closer look it suddenly let out a terrible, reverberating snore – and, in a moment of stark terror, I realised I was trapped alone in a house with Nicolas Cage and his awful, unnatural proboscis,” he continued in a quavering voice. “I know it sounds funny, but I was horrified.”

The naked man said his ordeal only ended after he sang ‘Rock-A-Bye Baby’ for six nerve-wracking hours until the sun eventually came up and the stable-boy arrived with Mr Cage's breakfast in a nosebag. He added that he did not press charges, as the horse-faced actor was clearly afflicted with nasal problems, but said he could never break into a house again after the shattering experience.