Benefit Scroungers Started First World War, Insists Iain Duncan Myth

Not content with claiming that all rioting, truancy and appalling dress sense can be solely attributed to the insidious welfare state, No Work and No Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Myth today claimed to have uncovered irrefutable evidence that World War I’s 9,000,000 pointless casualties were the tragic but inevitable result of flagrant and widespread abuse of England’s insanely generous Poor Laws by a highly organised cadre of malingering paupers.

“Take this down, chaps,” he told delighted reporters. “I can, if required, produce incontrovertible-looking documents which purport to show that Gavrilo Princep was only able to shoot Archduke Ferdinand and his charming wife dead on that fateful day in Sarajevo because he had cynically hoodwinked some wishy-washy bunch of Manchester Guardian-reading Poor Law commissioners into granting him a crisis loan for an automatic pistol, claiming he needed it to protect himself from marauding crows.”

Of course, half the East End sported wingtip shoes the next day

Mr Duncan Myth went on to tell frantically-scribbling hacks that Broken Britain’s workshy criminal underclass were also single-handedly responsible for torching London, Coventry, Plymouth and dozens of other cities in the early 1940s and then concocting some unlikely sob-story about being provoked into committing their sinful acts of arson as a legitimate expression of their grievances concerning the so-called ‘fascist’ behaviour of officers belonging to the Luftwaffe's flying squad.