If Only The Rest Of The World Would Follow Our Recession-Busting Lead, Says Clarke

The sanity of Mr Clarke

Politicians in Europe and the United States are ‘paralysed’, according to justice secretary Kenneth Clarke, when they ought to be following Britain’s shining example of how to burst out of economic disaster.

“You have paralysis in Washington, and paralysis in large parts of Europe because they are incapable of agreeing and everybody is fighting short-term politics,” observed the former Chancellor of the Exchequer from Britain’s glory days under John Major’s inspired, decisive leadership. “The collapsing pack of cards that is the eurozone is facing the stark economic nightmare of just 1.6% growth - while, here in booming Britain, we can look forward to enjoying a soaraway 1.1% by the end of this year alone.”

“And we can thank our political unity for this,” he boasted confidently. “The Conservatives, our Liberal Democrat allies and even the previous Labour government are all in complete agreement that the only possible path back to the salad days of universal wealth and happiness for all is to scrap the failed communist experiment in collective social responsibility for the welfare of the poor, the sick and the elderly.”

“Why don’t you all just come out and admit it? The world was simply better off all round back in the 18th century, wasn’t it, when we were running things,” crowed Mr Clarke to the west’s perplexed finance ministers as his colleague, Work and Pensions Secretary Iain Duncan Myth, was handed a P45 as the government was now within sight of achieving its dual target of no more work and no more pensions.