Ford, General Motors and Chrysler have told a Senate hearing that unless $25bn of US taxpayers’ money finds its way into their bank accounts by Friday, the world will undoubtedly come to a fiery end.
The ‘Big Three’ deny that mismanagement has caused the current crisis in the American car market, blaming the global credit crunch instead for their financial woes.
“Washington has no idea how goddamned difficult it is to sell a car to a nation of three hundred million assholes who all believe in their God-given right to live miles from their places of work and leisure, and would rather drive three thousand miles across a featureless desert than entertain, even for a moment, the godless commie heresy of using the railroad network,” said Hiram N Firam, a spokesman for the stricken industry.
“We’ve tried everything to attract the typical US buyer,” he told senators. “We’ve put tracks and turrets on our SUVs, added a verandah and a hurricane basement to our people carriers, even built a second storey with a widow’s walk feature onto our pickups - but it’s all to no avail. You’d think, with the little people worrying about losing their homes, cars so unnecessarily vast that you could comfortably house a family of six in them and still rent out a box-room to a gun-crazed loner would be selling like hot cakes. But no, these unpatriotic bastards keep driving around in that beat-up old Toyota they got last year.”
“What we really need is a nuclear war with Japan,” he added. “But 25 billion greenbacks ought to tide us over till then.”
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