Tax Giveaway - Everything Must Go

The Chancellor of the Exchequer, Alistair Darling, is widely tipped to abolish taxes altogether in Monday’s pre-Budget report.

Treasury insiders claim that Mr Darling has carved ‘Fuck It’ in large letters across the famous red briefcase with a Stanley knife, and is to embark upon a reckless scheme in which all forms of taxation - personal and corporate, direct and indirect, stealthy and bleeding obvious - will be scrapped with immediate effect. Furthermore, tax rebates will be available to everybody on a first-come, first-served basis until the nation’s reserves are drained to zero.

“The hope is that people will use this windfall to spend like there’s no tomorrow - which, in economic terms, is pretty much the case,” said a source close to Mr Darling. “After that, God only knows what will happen. Something’s bound to turn up, though. Always does.”

The Shadow Chancellor, George Osborne, fresh from his man-of-the-people voice-training classes, sounded a critical note of caution, however.

“Jesus H. fucking Christ on a frigging unicycle,” he shouted. “With tits.”