Friday, 25 July 2008

Stop Press: Number Ten Hostage Crisis

Reports are starting to come in of a hostage situation in Downing Street.

Police say that American presidential candidate Barack Obama - just arrived in the UK as part of his European fact-finding tour - is being held at gunpoint by a desperate Prime Minister.

It appears that Barack Obama, visiting the Prime Minister on the British leg of his European tour, was standing outside Number Ten waving at the cameras when the door suddenly opened, and a haggard-looking Gordon Brown grabbed him by the neck, put a gun to his head and dragged him inside.

The police who surround the building surrounded the building immediately, and waited for Mr Brown to make his demands. Meanwhile, in the United States, President George Bush was said to be watching the unfolding drama with interest, a mug of coffee and his feet up on his desk.

Eventually, a note was pushed under the famous black door of Number Ten. According to police, it said: “I’m still Prime fucking Minister. Unless the class traitors of Glasgow apologise for their crass ingratitude, rerun the election and vote Labour within the next 24 hours, I will blow this Yank bastard to kingdom come - leaving the way clear for Hillary Clinton to become next president of the United States. I’ve got parliamentary privilege, the pigs can’t touch me for it.”

While constitutional experts debated whether there was any historical precedent in the annals of British politics for arresting a serving Prime Minister for kidnap and murder, the United States government issued a stern warning.

“While removing Senator Obama from the equation and leaving American voters with a choice between John McCain and a mad, ranting liar wouldn’t unduly worry the Republican Party,” said a White House spokesman, “The President feels that an attack upon any American citizen - even a black one, and a Democrat to boot - constitutes an attack upon the whole of America. He is therefore putting the Lakenheath Strike Wing into the air, ready to bring shock, awe and about thirty fuel-air bombs to the City of Westminster unless the terrorist Brown releases Senator Obama unharmed within the next hour.”

However, we’ve just heard that the siege came to a dramatic end a few seconds ago when Senator Obama emerged from Number Ten rubbing his knuckles, and told the world’s waiting press that his inept captor had forgotten to take the safety catch off. At that moment there was a loud bang from within, followed by a shout of, “Oh, my sodding foot! Somebody call a doctor.”

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