The Dark Knight - the best film ever made, or that ever will be made - had its European premiere in London last night, with reviewers hailing the late Heath Ledger’s performance as the best acting anyone will ever be privileged to witness.
The stunning visual feast - in which an obsessive billionaire confronts a grinning, pasty-faced lunatic while dressed up as a rubber bat - demonstrates conclusively that every other so-called masterpiece in cinematic history was in fact vastly over-rated by hysterical, easily-pleased dolts.
Michael Caine, who delivers the performance of his life as minor character Alfred the Butler, told reporters: “Heath Ledger has single-handedly redefined acting. I am retiring in shame to a monastery in Greece. Please forgive me for boring you all for years with my laughably wooden travesties of acting. Goodbye, and I’m sorry.”
Christian Bale, who just about passes muster as the rubber Batman, hung his head in shame as he paid tribute to his co-star. “People were wrong to hail me for my commitment when I dropped three stone in weight to depict a skeletally-thin, sleep-deprived borderline psychotic in The Machinist,” he said. “To tell the truth, I was just feeling a bit porky. Heath, though, has taken putting on make-up and cackling to unprecedented levels of realism. I shall humbly strive to follow his glorious example, apart from the fatally-pumping-myself-full-of-drugs bit, maybe.”
The Nev Filter’s resident film critic says: “I spent the first twenty minutes thinking the projector was broken before I realised the entire film was shot in pitch darkness, which is of course a stroke of genius. And making a film so utterly devoid of humour and levity takes real vision, especially when you have a main antagonist called the Joker. The director, whatever his name is, is assured of his place among the great auteurs of cinema. The nail-biting climax, in which Batman is arrested by Scotland Yard detectives investigating several Fathers4Justice protests on Harriet Harman’s roof, is real edge-of-the-seat stuff. But for me, the real star is the Bat-bike made out of two wheelbarrows and a gatling gun. I hope it gets an Oscar.”