Backup Systems Promise End To Heathrow Chaos

BAA officials, facing an outcry over cancelled flights, luggage delays and massive queues on the first day of business at Heathrow’s new T5 terminal, have announced drastic measures in an attempt to create order out of chaos.

Brand-new computer systems have been taken offline, and tried-and-tested manual methods have been put in place.

“Passengers can now look forward to walking out onto the apron after being individually weighed, with their luggage travelling beside them on a hand trolley, and have the satisfaction of watching it being loaded into their Dakota as they are helped aboard by paratroops,” said a spokesman. “Once aboard, they will know that their bags are travelling with them on the same plane, as they will be sitting on them all of the way.”

To ease congestion, BAA has also reopened Croydon Airport in South London, hastily evicting the industrial estate’s tenants from the former airfield and bulldozing the units flat. The first arrival - a giant diesel-powered Junkers from Berlin Templehof - touched down on schedule, and the crew and passengers amused themselves by watching a biplane of Imperial Airways lumbering into the air on the first leg of its seven-day journey carrying civil servants to the colonies.

Flying boats have also been hastily gathered from the four corners of the world to open a new facility at Southampton - although passengers may find the in-flight accommodation somewhat spartan, as many of the aircraft are fire-fighting water-bombers. BAA stressed that they would not, however, have to suffer the indignity of being scooped from the sea in a high-speed pass – although if the passenger backlog did not diminish quickly, that may be an option worth considering.

“We are also proud to announce the imminent reopening of our airship terminal at Cardington,” added the spokesman, “Which we hope will take place tomorrow, as soon as we have located the scattered bits of the dismantled R100, bolted them back together and filled the envelopes with hydrogen. We would like to remind travellers that the R100 is the one that didn’t crash into a hillside, killing every crewman and passenger in a raging inferno; and point out that, in this instance, the smoking ban will be enforced with unbelievable rigour.”