Obriena Calls For Catholic Jihad

Audio experts in the UK are still studying a recording, said to contain the voice of Cardinal Obriena bin-Ranten, in which the fugitive Scottish Catholic leader apparently called on the faithful to engage in a holy jihad against stem-cell research.

The Cardinal, who continues to evade capture by hiding out in the remote, lawless mountains of the Scottish Highlands, said that “the forces of Satan and all his little wizards” were attempting nothing less than the blasphemous creation of a two-headed mockery of Christ, with fins, and that it was the duty of every godfearing Catholic to walk into their local doctor’s surgery and kill the evil Frankenstein within by exploding in a ill-informed outburst of scientific ignorance.

“Twisted Nazi paedophile scientists want to take unfertilised, good Catholic DNA and inject it into eggs from the crawling serpent that tempted Eve in the Garden of Eden,” says the Cardinal’s message. “Do you want to give birth to an abomination with compound eyes, which feeds by injecting venom into its mother, turning her insides into organic soup, and deposits its hungry, hellish spawn in her paralysed body? I urge all true Catholic believers to switch off their brains, and put and end to the evil heresy of medicine once and for all. Particularly Catholic MPs, who should have the moral courage to disobey the undemocratic dictates of their party whip, and obey me instead. In nomine patri, filii et spiritus sanctus, amen.”

However, in an Easter sermon to the Daily Telegraph, TV’s Lord ‘Dubya’ Winston poured scorn on the fugitive Cardinal’s latest message, saying: "His lies are hilarious. They are quite funny, but just a tad misleading - and I'm afraid that when the Church, for good motives, talks out of its arse, it brings discredit upon itself. I have huge respect for the Catholic Church, which does great good somewhere, probably - but it will be destroying its probity with overblown statements of this kind. Even now our coalition of freakish genetic mutants is making a final surge to corner the discredited terrorist leader Obriena in his squalid grotto and bring him to justice."

Atheist commander Richard Dawkins was not available for comment, and was said to be heading north on the Euston train with a bazooka, looking rather angry.