Tory Pot Identifies Tory Kettles

Furiously bubbling Nadine Pot today fired a steaming broadside at prime minister and chancellor of the exchequer, accusing David and George Kettle of arrogantly failing to be so achingly poor that they have to starve their own children.

Watch you, my old penis sparrow

“Gosh, strike a light and no mistake,” whistled the lovable Tory ragamuffin, modestly dressed in a sequin-laden jacket and matching cap by Alexander McQueen. “Blow me down if those posh lemon squeezers in Downing Street have not the faintest concept of the damage for a pint of delicious goat’s Robert Kilroy Silk.”

“There is a very tight, narrow bubble and squeak of a certain group of church steeples and what they do, you see, is they act as a Hawker Harrier and prevent the prime minister, the chancellor and others from really understanding what is happening in the rest of the country, is it not?” she earnestly frothed on the Daily Politics. “And what is more, my old china plates, they do not give a monkey’s. A monkey’s what? Is there a page missing?”

The prime minister was swift to reply, claiming that he did “a lot of faim’ly – faim’ly! – Cheggers-plays-popping” at the Chipping Norton branch of Fortnum & Mason, once an elderly gentleman by the name of William had obligingly cleared it of riff-raff. Meanwhile, an inscrutably smirking George Osborne delivered a baffling haiku.