£16bn Cuts Nothing To Do With £10bn Loan, Says Human Candle

It is a complete coincidence that a further £16bn is to be hacked off collapsing public services just days after George Osborne flushed £10bn down the IMF’s Eurozone toilet, the chancellor’s LibDem whipping-boy today assured a sceptical nation.

Just another Treasury press conference

“The IMF demand came completely out of the blue, so naturally there was no mention of it in my budget speech,” insisted Treasury scapegoat Danny Alexander, as smoke mysteriously began to rise from the seat of his pants. “These savings, on the other hand, were definitely in the chancellor’s speech, cross my heart - but unfortunately it seems he turned over two pages at the same time, and perhaps that could be why you might have a bit of trouble recalling any mention of them.”

To prove that Mr Osborne’s £16bn raid on the already-creaking machinery of state is not simply a hastily-implemented panic measure to cover a gaping chasm in his spending plans, a roaring Mr Alexander assured Britain that the chancellor is already trying to dream up a way to recover a surprise surplus – thought to be not unadjacent to £10bn - from the newly cost-effective machinery of state as a long-planned bonus measure to add even more flexibility to his spending plans.

“So there you are,” screamed Mr Alexander, rolling around on the floor as frantic Treasury officials sprayed his blazing underpants with foam. “Nothing to get excited about.”