Horrible Middle-Class Parents Demand Their Qualifications

Mr Fellows would like his GCSE in Media Studies now, please

Pushy parents - who, according to researchers at Leicester and Leeds universities, are largely responsible for their children’s academic achievements - are now demanding that any qualifications be awarded to them instead of the thick, bone-idle children whose Xboxes they had to physically remove from the house before they finally made a token attempt at a bit of homework.

“This report says my input is worth more than the combined efforts of my layabout son and all his teachers combined, am I right?” said insufferable twerp parent Marcus Fellows, 41. “Well, if it was all my hard work that was responsible for twelve GCSEs, kindly explain to me why they have that whiny little shit’s name on them and not mine.”

“They can sack those lefty waste-of-space teachers while they’re at it, and pay me their enormous salaries,” demanded the awful Mr Fellows. “And you can take it as read that I won’t be wasting any of it on a lifetime subscription to the Guardian.”

“Somebody had better bloody well sort out my three-month summer holiday, too,” he added.