Young People Now Know Less Than The Day They Were Born, Claims Survey

Young Cody's parents have no idea where he came from

A shocking four out of five young people have not only learned nothing since the day they were born, according to a survey conducted by grown-ups today, but have actually lost much of the instinct they were born with.

When asked where babies came from, a representative group of 18-25-year-olds variously pointed to their bottoms, a picture of Morrisons and a pint of beer, until one gifted adolescent male blurted out “my winky”, after which the group had to be sedated.

Later, when given a multiple-choice question about the cost of a baby’s first year, most of the respondents ate the paper.

A grown-up researcher commented that, with a disturbing one in six 11-year-olds now failing to stop screaming once their immediate needs have been met, the fears of a group of Nobel laureates about the effect of the government’s proposed immigration cap on qualified staff were even more alarming.

“Unless the government relents and allows an exemption for foreigners with scientific knowledge – as it does for footballing primates – nobody in Britain will even be able to spell ‘science’, let alone apply it,” warned Dr Susan Calvin.

A spokesman for the under-25s eloquently rebutted Dr Calvin’s argument by throwing faeces at her.