Commonwealth Games: Health Experts To Inspect Olympic-Sized Latrines

Health officials in Delhi are donning biohazard suits this evening, as they get ready to examine the giant-sized cesspools which Commonwealth Games swimmers believe might be causing their digestive systems to shut down.

Speaking through the door of her bathroom in the athletes’ village, Liverpool’s Fran Halsall told reporters that, after diving through the crust of a giant rectangle of steaming excrement, she nearly lost her life fighting her way back through to the surface.

Fran Halsall finally surfaced after three minutes

“From then on it was a matter of who could drag themselves along the lane guide-ropes the fastest, yeah?” retched the 100m freestyle competitor, adding: “It doesn’t help that you're desperately trying to hold your breath for the entire race, believe me.”

Indian officials pointed out that conditions were the same for every competitor, however.

“Oh yes, everybody has been seeing the doctor,” smiled chief organiser Suresh Kalmadi. “He is telling me they are very stinky persons indeed, with every digestive ailment known to medicine. He is wondering how such diseased stinky persons ever qualified in their home countries. I have sent him home to have a bath, the poor fellow.”

Meanwhile, metre-wide bacteria carrying get-well-soon cards have been oozing out of the games’ swimming latrines and asking passers-by for directions to the athletes’ village.

Nevertheless, said English team leader John Adlington, any apologies would come too late for gold medallist Rebecca Adlington – sole survivor of the harrowing 800m freestyle tragedy - whose empty skin had just been found draped over a reeking lavatory bowl.