Don’t Look At Us, Hiccup Britain’s Bankers, We Don’t Know Where It All Went

Britain's bankers have been searching tirelessly for the taxpayers' money

As a think tank warned that Britain may be on course for a second round of costly bank bailouts, the nation’s banking community shrugged their shoulders and tucked into their third courses at the City’s top restaurants.

“You know, I think I speak for the entire financial community when I tell you I honestly couldn’t say where all the money the taxpayers gave us has gone,” belched Sir Win Bischoff, chairman of Lloyds, as a simpering waiter at The Square brought him several large, fresh green asparagus tips, lightly garnished with Parmesan and tenners, and accompanied by a lightly poached egg cunningly set in a delicate £50 note.

Over at Rhodes Twenty-Four, Northern Rock CEO Gary Hoffman was equally at a loss to explain why, after £1.2 trillion was pumped into the industry, there was still a £25bn shortfall as he tucked into dessert, an iced peanuts mousse with caramelised pineapple topping.

“I was just saying the exact same thing to my boatbuilder at the weekend,” he gulped. “We’ve done the best for ourselves that we possibly can with the government’s rescue package - and yet there still seems to be so much missing.”

“So I ordered the gold bathroom fittings to be upgraded to platinum,” he added. “And do you know, I felt so much better knowing there’s still plenty more stuff in the list of optional extras that the taxpayer will fork out for.”