Hopes Fade For American Survivors In Rubble Of Europe

Still want that Rhodes scholarship, buddy?

A White House spokesman for the US tourist industry solemnly informed reporters that there was little chance of finding any Americans still alive in the shattered wreckage of Europe.

The crisis began this morning, when the Florida Commission on Tourism flashed a text warning to all US passport holders in Europe to “Act natural, but when I say run - you run. RUN!”

A few seconds later, the California Travel & Tourism Commission tweeted them with: “Get the fuck outta there! The whole goddam continent’s gonna blow!”

Then, seconds after the Yellowstone National Park Rangers posted “Save yo’ ass, mofos!!!” to Facebookers in the Old World, Europe exploded.

“The last communication received prior to the European disaster was a desperate message from the British saying, ‘Yes, perhaps France and Germany might seem a trifle iffy,’ then all the lines suddenly went dead,” explained the spokesman. “Satellite images we’ve analysed subsequent to the incident clearly indicate two crazed Islamists trying to cram a 500-megaton thermonuclear warhead onto a crowded bus in Prague, slap bang in the centre of Europe, just a split-second before one God-almighty bang.”

Orbital scans reveal absolutely no signs of life in the desolate thousand-mile-wide crater, which is rapidly filling up with magma, he added - pointing out that a travel advisory warning would be in place for the next ten thousand years.

“No point fretting, though, folks,” he concluded brightly. “Still plenty of things to see and do in the good ol’ U.S. of A.”