A day after Pope Benedict was knocked to the ground by a mad woman with a grudge, leading historians issued a joint statement deprecatng the marked decline in standards exhibited by desperate misfits in the 21st century.
"In less than five years the world will be marking the centenary of the outbreak of World War One, which really set the benchmark for how much change can be brought about by one well-placed protester with a pet peeve," explained Simon Schama. "I think that, in a way, it's rather sad that the current generation of stroppy nutters has rather lost sight of that nowadays. Would Serbian independence and the collapse of Western imperialism ever have happened, if he'd just given Archduke Ferdinand a slap? I rather doubt it."
Colleague David Starkey agreed. "A century ago, heads of state were quaking in their riding boots, with stroppy anarchists, communists and free-love advocates lobbing explosives at them from all directions if they so much as opened the bathroom window. As a result, more constitutional powers were devolved to elected parliaments, with the vote given to many previously disenfranchised peasants who actually had some say in their lives for the first time ever. Those home-made bombs changed the world, in a way that a miniature of Milan Cathedral probably can't really hope to emulate."
"By 1980s, though, the rot was setting in," commented Michael Wood. "John Lennon might have had a few trenchant things to say about life aboard a garish cartoon submarine, but even the most ardent Beatles fan would find it hard to claim that he was a pivotal figure in the Cold War standoff between two opposing superpowers."
"Things could have perked up again when Pope John Paul II and Ronald Reagan were shot and wounded by narky loners," he added. "But in both cases, any potential improvements in our collective lot were foolishly thrown away for the simple want of a couple more hours' practice on a firing range. There's really no substitute for a well thought-out plan."
All of the historians were united in their contempt for the sheer feebleness of this year's token attempts to change the course of history.
"Somehow I don't think that Silvio Berlusconi will relinquish control of the Italian media and surrender himself to the authority of the courts because he was lamped with a mantelpiece ornament," sneered Niall Ferguson. "Nor is the Pope about to relax his hard line on abortion and homosexuality, or indeed harden his views on paedophilia, simply because some silly woman briefly tried to introduce him to the pleasures of the moshpit. You can replay it on YouTube until the cows come home; it's just not going to happen. Look, this is a gun, OK? If you seriously want the world to sit up and notice your imaginary grievances, it really is the tool for the job."
Breaking News: Quick-Thinking Bodyguards Save Queen From Spacehopper Maniac Lurking Outside Sandringham Church
No comments:
Post a Comment