Tuesday, 21 April 2009

Tesco 'A Leading Cause of Poverty', Says Nobody

The unrestrained greed of Tesco - the money-hoovering supermarket chain which has announced a record-breaking £3.13bn profit in the middle of the worst recession in decades - is largely responsible for the impoverishment of millions of struggling Britons, according to no experts.

The company's pre-tax profit - up 10% on the previous year - is the largest ever recorded in UK retail.

"When money is tight, people have to economise in all sorts of ways," said city analyst Rob Blind. "But they still have to eat, which is where the supermarkets come in. Of course, Tesco also sells plenty of stuff which people can't eat, so naturally that puts a bit of a dent in their profits - but thankfully they would never stoop to making up the shortfall by, say, hiking the price of a loaf of nutrition-free chipboard from the Tesco Value range from 28p to 38p."

Accusations of profiteering at the expense of the hard-hit public were flying thin and slow in the media, with headlines such as 'TESCO SHAREHOLDERS PROFITING FROM YOUR MISERY', 'EVERY LITTLE PRICE RISE HELPS' and 'STRING UP THE TESCO FAT CATS' nowhere to be found in the papers or the newscasts.

Ordinary victims of Britain's economic collapse showed similar levels of concern at being ripped off by the supermarket chain, with 97% of shoppers telling researchers to stop blocking the fucking entrance.

Meanwhile, CEO Sir Terry Leahy apologised profusely to the firm's corporate shareholders for allowing Morrisons to make a tiny dent in Tesco's rapidly-growing mountain of cash, saying that its rival had been slightly more successful in cynically pretending that it was in some way concerned with offering shoppers value for money.

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