Gordon Brown has unveiled plans to put a stop to the vast range of expenses which MPs can currently claim, with a radical proposal to install in their place a simple system of giving them a bucket of fivers every time they show up at their place of work.
"Apparently you, the public, have some kind of problem with the principle of reimbursing MPs every time they open their wallets," said the Prime Minister. "If I scrap all that and just hand them a wad of cash on top of their salaries just for turning up, do you think you could shut the fuck up for five minutes?"
The attendance allowance is already used by many councils and in the European Parliament, allowing elected representatives to swan in, sign a register and promptly scarper off to the nearest restaurant for a congratulatory dinner.
"The unemployed will be very familiar with this system," explained Mr Brown. "They show up at the Jobcentre, sign a chit, and three days later I very generously drop £128.60 into their bank accounts, which they then use to pay the wages of the researchers and secretaries who work for them, and to cover the cost of the Blu-Ray recorders, plasma TVs and porn movies which are so essential to the search for gainful employment."
When asked for specific details of how much he felt like giving his fellow MPs in return for the inconvenience of poking their faces round the door for five minutes, Mr Brown scowled, kicked a cat and stamped back inside Number Ten to put the finishing touches to Alistair Darling's budget.
Deputy Leader Harriet Harman later told a packed House of Commons that a cash machine was already being installed in St Stephen's Chapel, conveniently close by the Members' Entrance to the Palace of Westminster.