A shaken Sir Bob Geldof has announced the launch of Rich Aid - a star-studded charity fundraising concert set to take place this summer in Britain and America - as it emerged today that several of his obscenely rich showbiz friends are now slightly less obscenely rich as a result of the global economic downturn.
"Oi turned on de fockin' enormous plasma telly wall in me kitchen dis mornin'," said Sir Bob angrily, "An' oi wuz fair put off me cornflakes by de dismal soight o' Sir Elton John, Robbie Williams an' Sir Tom Jones pitifully scrabblin' in de dusty depths o' der fockin' wallets lookin' fer traces of a fifty-pynd note. Oi couldn't jus' sit der an' do nuttin', so oi got on de ole Blackberry an' swore at some o' me famous mates till dey agreed dat we got to do sumptin' to alleviate dis unfoldin' fockin' tragedy before it claims even more millions."
Poor, flyblown Sir Elton is estimated to have lost 26% of his meagre fortune, leaving him unsure of how he will eke out his last £175m - while a frail Sir Tom Jones fears that his twilight years will be cruelly cut short this winter, after the value of his portfolio plummeted by 24% to a miserable £130m. Meanwhile, Sir Paul McCartney cried helplessly as he watched his shares and properties slump by a tragic £60m, leaving the senile former Beatle with barely 44 billion pennies to rub together.
Some stars have been left even more perilously close to the breadline, however. A £25m slump in the value of his investments has left a naked, pot-bellied Robbie Williams staring uncomprehendingly at the paltry £80m balance on his bank statement, while Sir Cliff Richard was begging God not to forsake him after hearing from his accountant that £10m had been wiped off his net worth, leaving him afraid that a starving Robbie Williams might well buy and eat him.
"Oi beg der British public not to look away from dis awful soffrin'," urged Sir Bob. "Give us yer fockin' money!"
"An' dis time, oi really do mean 'us'," he added.