Shiny Bird Not Come Cornwall

Thanks to the sheer, jaw-dropping degree of ineptness to be found only in the South West of England, Newquay Airport is to close down for three weeks from December 1st - the date when Cornwall County Council were meant to take over its operations from its former operators, the Royal Air Force.

“Big shiny birds come, spew up plenty tourists with shiny beads - tribe happy,” said Andrew Mitchell, the councillor with overall responsibility for the project. “Bad day come. White boss with hair under nose, him say him go home now, bye-bye - tribe shit scared. Elders go Truro longhouse, smoke bigtime, say, ‘Andrew! You go big field, shin up tall longhouse, shout roger wilco at big cloud, daylong. Big bird come back you bet, tribe happy, no problem.’ But faithful Andrew shout roger wilco till cows come home - bastard bird no fucking come. Tribe beat Andrew with shitty stick, say, ‘You get Civil Aviation Authority licence, bumhead.’ Andrew ride long InterCity 125 snake longway to big big village. Boss man him very unkind to Andrew, say, ‘Where you emergency procedures? Where you air traffic control? Where you business plan?’ Andrew show special hollow coconut for him shout roger wilco bird. Boss man mighty cross, call Andrew utter fuckwit, give him thick ear. Andrew afraid go home now. Andrew cry.”

Cornwall County Council is understood to have contingency plans in place, however, as council leader David Whalley explained:

“Elders all go Newquay. Elders put fuck-off big fish in field, say, ‘Big bird, we damn sorry. Eat fuck-off fish, puke tourists - elders bring fish day after.’ That not work - elders give bird eat stupid bumhead Andrew.”