The entire urban population of Britain has taken to the hills, following the discovery yesterday by the Conservative Party that the nation’s hospitals are festering cesspits teeming with bubonic plague, the Black Death, typhoid, lassa fever, terminal acne, poltergeists, dropsy and ague.
Data obtained by the Tories under the Freedom of Information Act showed that Britain’s hospitals were literally crawling with verminous potential disease-carriers such as mice, cockroaches, fleas, flying ants, wasps and patients. NHS Trusts, they revealed, had called out pest controllers 20,000 times in the last two years.
On hearing the news, terrified patients across the country ripped out their drips and heart monitors and staggered and crawled as fast as they could from the death-factory wards. People living near the hospitals promptly fled for their lives from the growing swarms of doomed plague carriers, and small rural villages swiftly organised armed roadblocks to prevent the infected townies from bringing disease and death to their tranquil hamlets.
The NHS is downplaying the risk, however. A consultant radiologist whom we captured with a net on a long stick pointed out that nobody in Britain had ever actually died of ants.
“Oh for God’s sake - on average, you’re never more than six feet from a rat anyway,” he shouted up from the bottom of the well we flung him down, just to be on the safe side. “Would you have preferred it if we hadn’t called in pest control? It’s called cleaning, you ignorant peasants - perhaps you should try it yourselves sometime. The only real vermin problem we have is every Saturday night on A&E.”
We then shot the raving madman and covered his raddled corpse with quicklime, just to be on the safe side.
Meanwhile, CCTV footage showed frightening pictures of a solitary wasp staggering erratically around a deserted operating theatre, before dropping to the floor stone dead – probably another helpless victim of the deadly Sleeping Sickness brought in by a moth, or something.