Children’s Secretary Ed Balls has announced that failing schools must raise their educational standards, or face being closed down or turned into privately-funded academies.
Announcing the injection of £400m into schools which miss the target of 30% of pupils achieving at least five GCSE grade Cs, Mr Balls said: “If local authorities cannot give children a decent education, then what better solution than to hand the schools to well-financed religious fundamentalists, who are very keen to teach pupils the basics they need to qualify as valued members of a modern society - namely that evolution is nothing but a wicked lie of Satan’s, to spread doubts that the world was created by an omnipotent deity in seven 24-hour days?”
Some voices have been raised against the plans - claiming that, in many Christian-funded academies, religious indoctrination has spilled over into almost every lesson.
“With all due respect to Mr Balls – and with a name like that, frankly that’s not a lot – I don’t see how giving a child a first-century education is going to prepare them for the twenty-first,” said a leading member of the ape family, who will surely burn in hell for all eternity. “The state is washing its hands of responsibility for educating our children, and delivering them into the clutches of a bunch of rich lunatics who think God chats with them on a daily basis. This backwards scheme is typical Balls.”
The Children’s Secretary responded by saying that Britain’s social and economic prospects hinged on the belief that miracles can, and indeed do, happen.
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