Hospitals To Save Money On Ambulances By Opening All-Night Bars

Fancy a ruck in a sterile environment?

With alcohol-related admissions now topping a million a year, doctors have recognised the sheer futility of trying to educate Britain’s pissed inhabitants about the dangers of drinking – announcing plans to install bars and dancefloors next to their Accident and Emergency units, in an effort to cut down on the soaring cost of sending out paramedics and ambulances.

In Plymouth’s Derriford Hospital, where the experiment is to be trialled, shops are to be cleared out of Floor 6 and replaced by themed bar areas, with a main dance floor in the foyer and a Costcutter off-licence full of cheap no-brand vodka replacing the restaurant.

“We’re all for it,” said a spokesman for Devon & Cornwall Police, who already have a police station in the hospital grounds. “If all the piss-artists come here every night, the Barbican can revert to its former status as a haven for arts and crafts, while Union Street will become an oasis of peace and tranquillity where sex shoppers can stroll about peacefully in the evening, taking the air and a quick blow-job round the back of an industrial unit without having to drop their trousers into a pool of vomit.”

Plans for the revolutionary Derriford Pissatorium include a chill-out room, a pass-out room, a tits-out room and a fully-equipped fight club.