Advertisers Becoming Less Keen On Paper That Says Everything They Sell Is Going To Kill You

Bang goes the Walls account

The Daily Mail has seen advertising revenues plummet in the last two months, as companies begin to question the wisdom of advertising their wares in a newspaper dedicated to proving that every single thing in creation will give its readers cancer.

“If retailers adopted the Mail’s guidelines on product labelling, Britain’s shopping centres would look like the ghostly streets of Fukushima,” complained a prick with red glasses and a bow tie, who unsurprisingly works in advertising. “In these belt-tightening economic times, many advertisers are starting to think twice about taking out a £200,000 full-page ad for their product when the opposite page is a long hysterical scream about how somebody who bought one died a painful, lingering death.”

However, whilst accepting that the Mail’s primary function is to prove that everything is designed for the sole purpose of killing you horribly, Daily Mail and General Trust chief financial officer Stephen Daintith pointed out that, if space permits, the paper occasionally likes to suggest that one randomly-selected carcinogenic instrument of death may in fact hold the secret of eternal life.

“And it’s important to remember that, petty and bigoted as our readers are, many of them are married to a high-earning bastard and therefore have plenty of surplus cash to waste on evil cancer-inducing shit,” he added. “Especially if their neighbours haven’t got one yet.”