“Just imagine a place where every job is a vacancy,” smiled the Work and Pensions Secretary at lunchtime. “Well, now it exists. The army has kick-started the process by putting up fifty well-appointed council tents, ready for the first tranche of jobless construction workers to ship out and start expanding this city of dreams. All the building materials have been provided for millions of eco-homes – you’re literally tripping over dirt and goatshit out there. And I’m confident that Jobchester will have the best neighbourhood watch scheme in the world.”
“Once the pioneering shipment has knocked together a pub, a branch of Iceland and a couple of bookies, I have no doubt that the entire workshy population of Great Britain will be queueing up to swap their manky flats for the limitless potential of a plot of Afghan soil,” enthused Mr Duncan Smith. “Mainly because we’ll be adding a clause to that effect to the back of the chit they have to sign at the Jobcentre to get their benefits.”
Local Afghan warlords say they are already eager to employ Britain’s famous orange slappers in their harems, and can guarantee plenty of jobs for workers to tend and gather what promises to be a bumper poppy harvest.
Mr Duncan Smith added that Jobchester would also abound in fencing and other security-related opportunities, along with water management and goat husbandry.
“With Afghan wages among the lowest in the world, Jobchester can comfortably undercut India to become the call-centre capital of the world,” he added. “As an added bonus, irate British customers will finally have a British voice to argue with.”
“Although when they hear a Glaswegian recently relocated from Easterbrook on the other end of the line, they may find themselves none the wiser,” he conceded.
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