Monday, 6 October 2008

Entire Global Financial System Put To Sleep

As UK share prices took their worst ever dive on Monday - becoming officially worth less than the recycling value of the paper on which they were printed - the entire financial system on which the world depends was taken outside and shot by a vet to put it out of its misery.

Tearful bankers were consoled by grim-faced heads of state as their beloved economic model was lovingly buried in a garden in Zurich.

“Now is not the time to think about replacing monetary systems as a means of conducting transactions,” said Prime Minister Gordon Brown, cradling the head of the sobbing governor of the Bank of England in his lap. “These banking chiefs are very upset right now, and the first priority of the world’s governments must be to cheer them up. When the financiers are laughing and smiling again, maybe then we’ll talk about replacing our much-loved financial networks.”

“Our money’s gone to heaven now,” a red-eyed US president George W Bush told his tearful Treasury secretary, Hank Paulson.

Meanwhile, reports suggest that the world’s business leaders are trying to work out some means of preventing the entire world from grinding to a catastrophic halt in the next few hours by holding a crisis meeting in a secret tropical paradise, possibly involving an unprecedented consumption of alcohol.

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